Golf

This is Tommy Armour.  I play a set of his golf clubs.

Please forgive me, Mr. Armour.

When my son was born, my membership to the local golf club was tossed away like extra weight from a sinking ship.  Before that, I played almost every day.

Since that time, I play one round each year to support the local Lions Club.  It is a four-man scramble tournament.  I played my annual 18 holes today and have come to grips with how I now feel about the sport.

I detest it.

The game makes little or no sense and I can not back any sport in which your major concern is hitting the ball as little as possible.  It is a game of discipline and finesse.  I lack both.

I have a few ideas to alter the sport so that it would be more to my liking.

1.  You carry one club.
Fourteen clubs is overkill, not to mention expensive.  The one club should be made of wood, hooked at the end like a field hockey stick, and highly polished with a leather grip.  It should be passed down from generation to generation and the possessor of the club deemed by the golf pro as the best of the group receives a three stroke reduction at the end of the round.

2.  You walk or ride a bike.
Golf carts are a drag and thanks to the first change, they would not be necessary.  One of my favorite things to do when growing up was to take one golf club out back, smack a ball into the pasture, find it, and then repeat the process.  That was time well spent.  Throwing a bike into the mix would be cools as well, but it should be a basic. plain-jane, two wheeler without all of the new fangled bells and whistles (however, it should have one of those boss bike bells on the handlebars that you flick with your thumb to activate).

3.  Savvy sayings.
After hitting a bad shot, instead of expletives, players should exclaim things like: "Humbug," "Tomfoolery to the utmost," "Geronimo," or "Shenanigans".
Good shots should be followed by handshakes and words such as "Bullish," "That's the stuff," and "Jumanji".

4.  Club fighting.
If players happen to be tied after nine holes or a complete eighteen, they should be able to challenge the subject they are tied with to a club fight.  Since the clubs are wooden and shafty, they could be used as a sword-like device.  Or more like a bludgeoning tool.  If the challenged player declines to the club fight, they must add three strokes to their score card.  If they accept and win the challenge, they receive a deduction of three strokes, but they only deduct one stroke if they accept the challenge, but lose.  That seems pretty fair.

5.  Throwing the ball.
If you do not feel like hitting the ball, you should be able to yell "Arming it" and then throw the ball towards your goal.  You can complete this maneuver four times a round.

6.  Flagsticks.
Make them taller with larger flags, and give the flags a bit more pizzazz.  A red flag with a number on it simply does not cut it.  Start with flags of different countries and then go from there.  Family crests would be neat as well. 

If the golf world does not make these changes I will boycott the sport...at least until next year's Lions Club Golf Tournament.