Friday, March 25, 2011

Four Eyes

One thing you don't want to hear when in the midst of your eye exam is that you exhibit signs of glaucoma.  My eye doctor went into the biology of the eye and why my peepers show indicators for the disorder, but all I was thinking was whether I could get free audiobooks out of the deal or a possible handicapped parking sticker.
The good news?  My visit was instantly categorized as a "medical issue," so I only had to dish out my co-pay and not the entire bill.  Sweet.
Placing that aside, the reason I was there in the first place was because I wanted to get a new set of eyeglasses.  I had noticed over the past few weeks that my nighttime vision just ain't what it used to be, and the pair I got a few years back slipped off my face with the slightest movement.  

If George "The Animal" Steele happened to attack me one night during a jaunty promenade, my lenses would be lost in the ensuing melee (By the way, I could definitely take George - the guy has got to be at least seventy by now) and I simply do not possess the gumption to buy replacements.  I needed some He-Man glasses that would bind to my mug like glue - and I needed them yesterday.  So, with my new prescription in hand, I was off to the local Lens Crafter.
When I go to purchase eye wear and the sales person asks if I have a particular style in mind, I always declare that they have to be as Buddy Holly as possible.  Holly rocked the glasses (literally) and "Peggy Sue" just would not have been the same if the Texan crooner had 20/20 vision.
The problem, however, was my last pair were about as Holly as you could go, meaning the slip-free technology was stuck in the 1950s.  I needed a change of pace.  I checked all of the other classic frames, too - the Elvis Costellos, the Michael Caines, the George Burns, and as a last resort, the Grocho Marxes, but they all left me back at square one and fell off my nose.  If Moe Howard showed up during one of my eyeglass mishaps, I was a sitting duck for the dreaded eye-poke.

Finally, after much thought about my favorite four-eyes look, I tried on a pair of black-framed Rec-Specs Sport goggles.  I fell in love with them.  They're light-weight, they stay put, they're Holly enough, and they remind me of the glasses worn by Charlie Sheen in the movie "Major League" way before he was raging and drinking tiger's blood.
Now all I have to find is a silver skull and crossbones and I am the total package.


  1. A great way to start of a Saturday morning, your hilarious 'four-eyes' post. Coincidentally, just yesterday, a friend who I haven't seen in over thirty years advised me to ditch the big frame ("All the better to see you with my dear...) glasses and get a pair of those trendy, tiny, little framed, Joseph P. Kennedy 1930 era glasses that all the gay guys and gals wear down here in Gayberry (aka Rehoboth Beach) He said I would look so 'cool' in them. I DON"T THINK SO.

  2. Don't fall for it, Ron. The bigger the frames, the better. Stay true to your roots.