Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Since the first day of my life that I could consume solid foods, I have been a diehard cereal fan.  I never understood why it had to be sequestered strictly to the breakfast table, because cereal can be the king of any meal, anytime, anywhere.  You don't even need milk.  Throw a box in the trunk of your car and you are surviving whatever life throws your way: tornadoes, floods, zombie hoards.  If you have squirreled away a cardboard container of Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms, chances are you are coming out of a catastrophe as part of the new world order.

Cereal has definitely been a true friend over the years, but it was tough coming to grips with the fact that the colorful boxes I knew as a child simply would not cut the mustard as I progressed into adulthood.  Sure, Apple Jacks were the bomb at age nine, but now that I am thirty-nine, I have an entirely new philosophy when selecting morning flakes.

As a kid, cereal was selected by the quality of the prize inside and its ability to change the color of milk to a bright pink, yellow or blue.

Nowadays, the deciding factors as to what ends up in your shopping cart is the fat and fiber content.  Low or no fat is choice.
High fiber is key.

So after much research and experimentation, Grape-Nuts have become my new best friend.

The first thing you notice when grabbing a box of Grape-Nuts off the shelf is that it weighs about twenty pounds.  No lie, you could tie a package on either end of a bar and bench press the stuff.

One bowl of Grape-Nuts contains 28 percent of your daily needed fiber - and that's just a half cup!  Eat an entire cup serving each day and your colon will be as tough as Rocky Balboa's trainer, Mickey Goodmill.
(Your  colon on Grape-Nuts, as played by Burgess Meredith).

Another wonderful factor about Grape-Nuts is that it tastes like beer.  I could never figure out why until I checked out the ingredients and saw that the number two item was malted barley flour.
That's genius!
(I wonder why they don't grind up hops and throw that in there, too).

OK, sure, the reality is that Grape-Nuts is bad tasting, but stuff that is good for you should never be delicious.  Food choices should be about discipline, like running a marathon or earning a black belt in Kung-Fu.  If it was fun, everybody would be doing it.

So next time you're strolling down the cereal aisle, do your body a favor and heft a 32 ounce box of GN into your cart.  

(Never store it next to your dog food.  I was eating Puppy Chow at breakfast for a week before I realized my egregious mistake).

But hey!  The great thing was it turned out Puppy Chow has 33 percent of your daily fiber requirement, so who is the fool now?


  1. You are so wrong on this. Grape-Nuts are delicious, all you have to do is pour about ten pounds of sugar in the bowl, let it soak for 20 minutes to soften to an edible consistency, then enjoy your mash.

    Just beware your children messing with the box. One spill will pepper your floor with little land mines that will destroy bare feet for years to come.

  2. I like my Grape-Nuts fresh from the box sans milk. Just be careful not to chip your tooth.