The Gospel According to Martha

Words of wisdom and inspiration are hard to come by these days.  It seems that our greatest philosophers and thinkers have come and gone and records of their words are slowly disappearing.

My family was fortunate enough to have amongst our ranks one of the world's wisest sages, my grandmother Martha Benson.  She was a deep thinker who studied all facets of life and was considerate enough to share her findings with us so that they can be passed down throughout our bloodline.  It would be best to chisel them into stone, but I lack the time and money to complete the task.  Hopefully a blog post will suffice until it is all secured deep in the inner sanctum of the Library of Congress.

"What those kids need is a serving of peach tree tea".

Peach tree tea was a tree branch about an inch in diameter and three feet long.  A serving was delivered by forcefully striking the branch across the arse of a disobedient juvenile.  In other words, it was a nice way to say "that boy needs his ass whipped."  I had a few servings growing up, but probably not enough.

"When people look down into your casket they won't ever say, 'She sure did keep a tidy and clean house'.  So don't bother with it".

"Dog saliva is sterile.  Whenever I get a cut I just let my boxers lick it.  Best thing for it".

"Goddamn you, you ornery bugger!"

Usually said after being stung by a bee, bitten by a dog, or pecked by a chicken.  Nine times out of ten it was followed by a full two minutes of laughter.  Then she would see if she could get them to repeat the action.

"When I moved to Wyoming, I realized that there were no Baptist churches in the area.  I then told everyone I was a Baptist so I never had to worry about going to church."

"Best cure for an earache is to blow cigarette smoke in the infected ear."

And everyone's favorite:

  "You'll do wonders and shit cucumbers".

Martha with her five grandchildren and their significant others.  By my count, she now has eight great-grandchildren.  

The Insanity Legacy continues...